i know, i know i know i know, i'm sorry. but i'm not good at starting things -- it's not just you i treat this way -- i can count on both hands the times i've ever messaged someone. i didn't write on your wall because that's public, and also because you said you don't get on facebook often. i texted you because i was crying alone on my bed and it seemed like that was the lowest i could go.

it's so hard for me to admit that i need someone in my life because i've spent most of it telling myself to be independent.

i thought about unlocking those posts for you to read, but i think we're better off without them. they're ridiculously self-indulgent and bitter and i don't want to go backwards. but the thing is, i'm so tired of looking at the walls and thinking of the notes we could've put up there together, or of watching a television show and not having you there to laugh at it with. i'm tired of not having anyone to talk to about my classes, or to walk with me when i go to get dinner. i really, really wish you were here. and more and more, it feels like you're never coming here -- you've got so much going on back home, and i'm happy for you, but.

some days i feel like i'm thriving, and some days i'm just stepping in puddles and ducking my head through another day.

you know, i've decided i'm done. no more displaying myself for you. everything is friends only now. i hate this song.


eta: i did talk to you first. (see:

10 January 2010 @ 02:23 am
13 January 2010 @ 10:44 pm
15 January 2010 @ 03:15 pm

)

and you left me with nothing, not even acknowledgement. if it was a battle of wills, then okay, you won. i can't expect you to understand.